It’s Not Coming Home This Year

On loss and the Three Lions

England Always Loses. That was my confident prediction at the start of Euro 2020, and I only got more bleakly confident as the tournament went on. First England was going to collapse in the group stage, then they were going to get wrecked by Germany, then they were going to choke against Ukraine, then they were going to run into the Cinderella sledgehammer that is Denmark. For the final? Against the best team of the tournament? No way England beats Italy. It was always going to be Italy because England Always Loses.

But of course, that was a defense mechanism to try and protect my jaded fragile heart. Because I really did believe in England. I really did think this crew had it in them to break through and lift a major international championship for the first time since 1966. I started believing when they beat Germany.

I believed when they beat the brakes off Ukraine.

I believed when they escaped against Denmark in a game that was theirs to choke away.

I believed when Luke Shaw hammered home a goal in the first minute.

I believed when Jordan Pickford somehow saved Jorginho’s penalty.

I believed up until the moment that Gianluigi Donnarumma snatched my soul (and that of the entire English commonwealth) when he crushed Bukayo Saka’s penalty out of the air. At the end of it all, there was heartbreak for England. There always is.

The comeback Italy has made to international soccer after failing to qualify for the 2018 World Cup is truly incredible. Roberto Mancini has built a team that can win with style and grace, or gum up the works and grind their way to a win. Donnarumma is the goalkeeper of the tournament, Chiesa/Locatelli/Insigne dominated throughout and I’m perversely a little happy that ancient ogre Giorgio Chiellini got a Euro Cup win. This is their first Euro Cup since 1968, and their first major international victory since 2006, and it is extremely well deserved. Italy is going to get a lot of shine, and they deserve all of it.

Whether it’s running into an ascendant world powerhouse (Germany in World Cup 2010, Italy in Euro 2021 and Euro 2012), a fairy-tale Cinderella (Iceland in Euro 2016) or a team that’s a bit of both (Portugal in Euro 2004 and World Cup 2006; Croatia in World Cup 2020), England’s story always ends with 11 men in white shirts sobbing on the field. They are the footnotes in someone else’s story. They are an obstacle to be overcome on the path to glory. No matter how hard they play, how lucky the breaks or how great their talent, they are always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So why do I root for them? Why does anyone root for this unbelievably cursed team? Well, part of it is my family/personal connections to England, part of it is the massive English influence on American media/culture. But I suspect that it goes deeper than that.

There are some times in life when you feel like Italy. When everything you touch works out, when tough moments just turn into hard-fought victories, when even your mistakes somehow turn to gold. When that happens, chill, roll with it. Forza Italia!

But there are also times when you feel like England. No matter how hard you work, things don’t go the way you wanted. Everything is a little harder than it should be. Even when things are going well, you feel disaster looming in the background. You do your best, take your best shot, work your hardest. But somehow, things just slip away at the end.

When that happens, it’s hard not to empathize with England. Those 11 men in white shirts are so so utterly doomed — but they’re doing their best to stave off their onrushing demise. They’re screwed, but you kind of admire their bull-headed determination to avoid their inevitable fate.

That’s how you get sucked into “It’s Coming Home.” Because even though you know things always end terribly, this team is somehow surviving. You know disaster is coming, but somehow they are able to make it through. Harry Kane is pouring in buckets of goals. Stones and Maguire are a rock-solid partnership in the back line. Raheem Sterling seems to be doing actually useful things? Maybe things will be different this time?

And things are different — until they are not. Until Kane, Maguire, Stones and Sterling are just another set of names among the 11 men in white jerseys sobbing on your tv screen. Because England Always Loses.

This is the part where I’m supposed to say that England’s future is bright. I’m supposed to say that with the young attacking talent of Grealish, Mount, Saka and Sancho, Harry Kane in his prime and Gareth Southgate managing, England is set up to make a deep run in World Cup 2022 or Euro 2024.

But I can’t promise that, because international soccer is brutal. In Euro 2020 the World Cup 2018 winner and Euro Cup 2016 finalist (France), the World Cup 2018 finalist (Croatia) and the Euro Cup 2016 winner (Portugal) were eliminated in the first round. Soccer is a bleak, unfair and brutal sport — a single elimination knockout tournament makes the road to glory even more unforgiving. Throw in the additional chaos that national teams face (incompetent managers, players who don’t train together, insane media pressure/attention) and you have a true horror show.

For context — Leo Messi is the greatest player of his generation (and arguably of all time), and he has been a mainstay for Argentina for sixteen years. How many trophies has Argentina, a historical soccer powerhouse with the greatest player in the world, won? Exactly one — the Copa America that they clinched yesterday. Nothing is a given in international soccer.

So why do I still care about this team?

Well, I don’t! England is cursed and doomed. The manager is an idiot! The players are all divas! Every player on England is bad except the ones who don’t get playing time (because, again, the manager is an idiot). English fans are terrible and English media is even worse!

England is absolutely doomed at World Cup 2022/Euro Cup 2024. First, they probably won’t even qualify. If they qualify, they’ll get thrashed in the group stage. If they get through the group stage, they’ll lose in PKs in the first round. Or they’ll get destroyed in the quarters. Or they’ll collapse in the semifinals. If, god forbid, they get to the finals they’ll collapse in spectacular fashion. This team is dead and useless and cursed and I am done with them because England Always Loses.

But you know — I might still watch occasionally. Catch a game here and there. See some of the highlights. Watch the Premier League’s newest young attacking talent burst onto the world stage. See if England can manage to not choke. And if England wins that next game, I’ll probably watch the next one. And the next one.

Disaster’s always coming, of course. But I might keep watching — just out of morbid curiosity, obviously. I don’t believe It’s Coming Home. But the nice thing about “It’s Coming Home,” is…well it doesn’t say when it’s coming home, does it?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not going to happen. England Always Loses. Disaster is always looming. This team is cursed. Things will never be different.

Except — maybe they will be?

It’s Coming Home?*
Jefferson

*¯\_(ツ)_/¯