Game of Game of Thrones Week 5

Everyone is So Angry At This Show Right Now

Well, what an episode! Count me as one of the few people who liked this episode, everyone else and the entire internet hated it, but w/e. On to more important things, like who is currently winning this extremely stupid game!

(season preview, week 1 recap, week 2 recap, week 3 recap, midseason report, week 4 recap)

*=deceased

Littlefinger Memorial Leaderboard

Chaos is a ladder — let’s see who has managed to climb the highest so far. Will they be able to hold on, or will they plummet to their doom?

1. A cold boi haz no name (Jamie), (4–1–0), 575 points
2. All that Glitters is Cold (Claire), (3–1–1), 355 points
3. Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall (Jason), (3–2–0), 640 points

At the top, A cold boi haz no name holds on to the top spot after a razor-thin victory over former #3 team Cleganebowl Confirmed, who fall to #5. All that Glitters is Cold also hold on to their spot after a tight scoreless draw with Chaos is a StairMaster. Back in the top 3 is Mr. Viserion, rampaging over Jorah the Explorer with a dominating win. Next week is our final week, and our top two contenders will face off! #1 A cold boi haz no name vs #2 All that Glitters is Cold — whoever wins will be the champion this season! The betting money is mostly riding on A cold boi haz no name and their MVP Arya Stark, but don’t count out All that Glitters is Cold and Tormund Giantsbane! Further down the ladder, everyone else has the chance to climb higher in the standings or send someone else tumbling down, because Game of Game of Thrones is the best game ever.

Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player

Some play the game of thrones, some master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.

1. Daenerys Targaryen [Toast for the Toast God], 240 points (Violence 145, Wits 30, Status 65)
   Bow down to the Mad Queen! The Unburnt came to play in this episode, insulting Jon and Tyrion (30 points) before even suiting up and riding a dragon. The real carnage was to come, though, as soon as she got on Drogon (20 points) — the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians (50 points), incapacitating Harry Strickland and Arya (20 points), sacking the city (25 points), killing Cersei and Jamie (50 points), and winning MVP of the week (20 points) led to an absolutely dominant episode for the last known Targaryen. You may not like the process, but don’t argue with the results — The Breaker of Chains is now The Breaker of Souls, and all of Westeros should be afraid.
2. Drogon [Watch The Iron Throne], 170 points (Violence 170 points)
   Coming in second place is the monster that made all of this possible. Drogon showed us exactly why Balerion was called The Black Dread in his time, turning the greatest city, the greatest navy and one of the greatest armies in the world into his personal ashtray. On the way he murdered a bunch of people (50 points), dropped buildings on Harry Strickland, Arya, Cersei and Jamie (70 points), and burned the city to the ground (25 points). Oh, and before this chaos even started, he also burned Varys to death (25 points). He may have lost his siblings, but you absolutely do not want to mess with The Last Dragon.

Season MVP:

1. Daenerys Targaryen [Toast for the Toast Gods], 455 points
2. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 330 points
3. Euron Greyjoy* [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall], 290 points

Dickon Tarly Memorial Who? Player

We all know that Tyrion’s going to drink, Arya’s going to murder and Jaime’s going to smirk all through an episode, and that’s great. But sometimes, an unexpected person delivers a huge moment. This celebrates those unexpected players, destined to be remembered as “Oh yeah, that guy!”

• Harry Strickland* [A cold boi haz no name], 25 points
  You might have forgotten the name of this man, or the role he played in the show. But Harry Strickland, the man who forgot his elephants in Essos, nonetheless came to play in his first (and last) appearance in Game of Game of Thrones. The leader of the Golden Company didn’t kill anyone, but he did eat a spear from Grey Worm, getting valuable points for his memorable death (25 points). These ended up being the difference in a huge win for A cold boi haz no name — that’s how you take one for the team!

Sandor Clegane Memorable Exit Award

You never want to leave the Game of Thrones — but if you have to leave, might as well go out with a bang. These are the dearly missed characters who made their exit in memorable fashion.

1. The Hound* [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall], 105 points
   Sandor Clegane, Eater of Chickens, unfortunately made his exit from Game of Thrones this past week. However, if you have to go, might as well tackle your brother into a fiery inferno (50 points), right after murking four random guards (40 points). As a bonus, he also imparted some truly touching life advice to Arya on the way (15 points). Fare you well, Hound — may the afterlife be full of Every Fucking Chicken in this Room.
2. The Mountain* [A cold boi haz no name], 65 points
   The uglier of the Clegane brothers also made his exit this week, going down in flames with his brother (25 points). Before he left, he also betrayed Cersei (15 points) and his maker Qyburn, turning on the weirdest man in Westeros and crushing his skull (25 points). Cannot say I’m sad to see him go, but at least he made an impression on the way out!
3. Jaime Lannister* [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 60 points
   It’s been quite a run for Goldenhand on Game of Thrones, from pushing a child out a window in the first episode, to losing his hand, his children, and betraying more people than I can even imagine. However, it came to an end this week, as Drogon brought down a building on top of him (25 points). Before that happened, though, Jaime finally killed Sex Pirate Euron Greyjoy (25 points) and traded a last joke with Tyrion (10 points). Fare thee well, Kingslayer (twice!) and Queenslayer. It’s hard to say goodbye to the prettiest Lannister, but at least he went out in style.

Robb Stark Memorial Good Job, Good Effort Award

Sometimes in the Game of Thrones, you try your best, but it just doesn’t work out. Your opponent is just a little faster, a little better, just has a bit of an edge. Your reward is nothing, because Game of Thrones does not reward second place.

• Watch the Iron Throne (170 points)
  This is the second time Watch the Iron Throne has shown up here, and I’m sure it’s not a good feeling. Behind Drogon, the #2 highest scoring character this episode, Watch the Iron Throne should have picked up their first victory. However, they were up against the #1 scoring character — Daenerys Targaryen, Drogon’s dragonrider, who easily lapped Watch The Iron Throne by herself (240 points). Throw in Vary’s* death and betrayal (40 points), and Watch the Iron Throne had to take a close loss.
• Jorah the Explorer (70 points)
  Behind the memorable death points of Qyburn* (25 points) and Cersei* (45 points), there was reason for Jorah the Explorer to feel confident heading into their week 5 matchup. But Mr. Viserion came ready to play — The Hound* (105 points) and Euron Greyjoy* (55 points) brought their own memorable exits from Game of Thrones, and Jon Snow (50 points) poured on the points as well. Unfortunately for Jorah the Explorer, Game of Game of Thrones is a game of matchups, and they were simply outgunned this week.

Oberyn Martell Memorial Close Game Award

Blowouts are exciting, but we all know the best parts of sports are the games that go right down to the wire. These are the matchups that were buzzer-beaters, close games, and nailbiters right to the end.

• A cold boi haz no name (100 points) vs Cleganebowl Confirmed (95 points)

5 points, to decide the fate of the realm. That’s how close the line was between victory and defeat when the #1 and #3 teams faced off this past week. A cold boi haz no name had a tough start to the game. Cleganebowl Confirmed’s unconventional defense flustered Arya Stark, who could only manage 10 points. With their lead scorer and MVP off-balance, it was The Mountain* (65 points) who kept A cold boi in the game, murdering Qyburn*, betraying the Queen and dying himself.

It was a great performance, but he was more than matched by Cleganebowl Confirmed’s feared Lannister Lineup — Jaime Lannister* killed Euron Greyjoy*, died and traded jokes with Tyrion (60 points). Tyrion provided solid scoring off the bench, betraying the queen and snarking at Jaime and Varys (35 points). Since week 1, no team has been able to stop the two Lannister brothers at full force, and it looked like A cold boi haz no name was heading for a close, devastating loss. But then, forgotten man Harry Strickland* was run through by Grey Worm (25 points). Ballgame, at the buzzer. Pandemonium in the stands. This victory puts A cold boi haz no name in pole position for the championship, and knocks Cleganebowl Confirmed out of contention. What a game, what a season. Let’s see if A cold boi haz no name can close out the championship against All That Glitters is Cold next week!

Hot Pie Memorial DNP — Coach’s Decision Award

With so many characters, sometimes your whole team will be just baking direwolf bread in a quiet inn for the entire episode. Better luck next week!

• The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team
  The Onion Knights are renowned for having a tough defense, so it’s not surprising that the depleted and injury-ravaged Leeches weren’t able to muster up much scoring against this team. Hopefully they’ll be able to bounce back against Chaos is a StairMaster next week. Behind their tough defense and some solid violence from Grey Worm (75 points), The Onion Knights were able to pick up a second victory.
• All that Glitters is Cold
  The #2 team in the league made the tactical decision to rest their starters before heading into their final showdown with #1 team A cold boi haz no name next week. Will this payoff? Or will their team have too much rust heading into a playoff intensity game?
• Chaos is a StairMaster
  The defending champions scratched out a scoreless draw against All that Glitters is Cold, as all of their characters decided to stay up in the True North and ignore all the chaos and shenanigans happening down south. Let’s see if they up the fire and intensity in next week’s showdown with The Leeches.

End of Blog Post

Next week, it all ends! Tune in to see what happens after Euron Greyjoy comes back from the dead and sits on the Iron Throne, Arya takes a long-deserved vacation to Essos and Tyrion invests in a chain of well-regarded rental properties in Highgarden!

The Sun of Winter,
Jefferson