Game of Game of Thrones Week 4

What Is Even Going On With This Show Now?

Welcome back to Week 4 of the chaos, blood and sex extravaganza that is Game of Thrones! I really don’t know what happened in that episode, and am deeply confused about the long-term implication of a lot of that episode. But whatever! Let’s see who got the points.

(season preview, week 1 recap, week 2 recap, week 3 recap, midseason report)

*=deceased

Littlefinger Memorial Leaderboard

Chaos is a ladder — let’s see who has managed to climb the highest so far. Will they be able to hold on, or will they plummet to their doom?

1. A cold boi haz no name (Jamie), (3–1–0), 475 points
2. All That Glitters is Cold (Claire), (3–1–0), 355 points
3. Cleganebowl Confirmed (Jefferson), (3–1–0), 350 points

At the top is A cold boi haz no name, climbing up to the #1 spot as an upset loss sends The Leeches falling out of the top 3. Powered by their star Arya Stark, A cold boi haz no name has established themselves as an elite team in this league — let’s see if they can hold on for the next two weeks! Right on their heels is All That Glitters Is Cold, with a gutty win over The Onion Knights. Joining them in the top 3 for the first time is Cleganebowl Confirmed, after a huge win over Chaos is a StairMaster. Next week, the #1 and #3 teams will face off head to head, so stay tuned and get ready for some movement at the top either way!

Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player

Some play the game of thrones, some master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.

• Euron Greyjoy [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall], 200 points (Violence 175, Status 25)

Sex Pirate BACKKKKKK!!! The charismatic lead of Black Sails on Starz claims the top spot behind an absolute outpouring of violence. The pirate king’s crowning achievement was murdering Rhaegal, shooting him out of the sky with a massive scorpion bolt (175 points). This and the total annihilation of the Targaryen fleet (25 points) was more than enough to seal a victory in this spot for the Sex Pirate. Love him or hate him, Euron Greyjoy the Dragonslayer is a man who comes to Game of Thrones to win.

Season MVP:

1. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 320 points
2. Euron Greyjoy [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall], 235 points
3. Daenerys Targaryen [Toast for The Toast God], 215 points

Margaery Tyrell Memorial Sexiest Player

Game of Thrones is a show about politics and dragons, sure. But it’s also the centerpiece of the most gratuitous nudity HBO can bring us. These characters went above and beyond bringing sexy back to Westeros.

1. Jaime Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 25 points
   The Last Lion roars again! Jaime and Brienne fulfilled the dreams of half of Tumblr, and crushed the dreams of the other half (RIP, Torienne shippers) by finally hooking up (25 points). It wasn’t meant to last, unfortunately, as it turns out Jaime only enjoys hooking up with tall blondes who he’s related to. But while it did, Jaime scored points for hooking up and hitting on her relentlessly. 10 points for House Lannister!
2. Brienne of Tarth [Chaos is a StairMaster], 20 points
   It’s been a big week (month? day? GoT is playing real fast and loose with time here) for Brienne of Tarth. She got a knighthood, fought off an army of the dead, and finally banged Jaime! Sadly he then broke her heart, because men are bad. While this is unfortunate, Brienne had to learn this lesson at some point. Best of luck to the most eligible bachelorette in Westeros, because I can’t imagine Westerosi Hinge is a fun place to be. Anyways, before all that bad shit happens she scores some points for getting naked with her crush (20 points).

Olenna Tyrell Memorial Wittiest Player

If you come at the Queen of Thorns, you best not miss — otherwise she’ll level you with a vicious burn. This award honors those who keep Olenna’s legacy alive by being absolute savages to friends, foes and anyone who looks at them twice.

1. Daenerys Targaryen [Toast for the Toast Gods], 30 points
   Things are not going that well for Daenerys Targaryen right now. She’s lost two of her dragons (RIP Viserion & Rhaegal). She’s lost one of her closest advisers and friends (RIP Missandei). The writers of this show have completely forgot that Meereen exists (RIP? Daario Naharis). Her (live) advisors are idiots. Her lover is her nephew, and her competitor, and also an idiot. The one thing she will always have? Her elite-level insults. Even as everything falls apart, Daenerys will yell at everyone around her, from Tyrion, to Varys, to Jon Snow, to anyone else (30 points). BURN THEM ALL!
2. Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 25 points
   As noted above, Daenerys’ advisors aren’t the smartest. Or the most competent. Or the most powerful. But they are the bitchiest! Tyrion follows close behind his Queen thanks to his constant insults for Varys, Daenerys and Jaime (25 points). They’re probably all going to die, but at least they’ll make fun of Jon Snow while doing so.

Robb Stark Memorial Good Job, Good Effort Award

Sometimes in the Game of Thrones, you try your best, but it just doesn’t work out. Your opponent is just a little faster, a little better, just has a bit of an edge. Your reward is nothing, because Game of Thrones does not reward second place.

1. Toast for the Toast God, 140 points
   Real tough loss for Toast for the Toast God here. They came out hot out the gates, with a vintage performance from Daenerys (75 points) and some old-school snark from Varys (15 points). Throw in the tragic deaths of Rhaegal* (25 points) and Missandei* (25 points), and it looked like an easy W. But then they got absolutely trounced by Mr. Viserion, with 225 points. To add insult to injury, the main player they faced was the man who murdered Rhaegal and captured Missandei, Euron Greyjoy (200 points). The Hound (10 points) and Jon Snow’s (15 points) insults were just the salt in the wound. Man, you feel for Toast for the Toast God here — this is a loss that’s gotta sting.
2. Chaos is a StairMaster, 105 points
   The 2017 champions have been playing close to the margins for the last two weeks, and you had to be a little worried their lack of defense would catch up to them eventually. Still, they put up an excellent show — Brienne’s sex and wits (40 points), Gendry’s promotion and pick-up lines (40 points) and solid contributions from Bran (10 points) and Podrick Payne (15 points) would have been enough for a win against most teams. But Chaos is a StairMaster was up against the 2017 runner-ups, hungry for revenge, and Cleganebowl Confirmed came at them with a vengeance. The three-headed monster of Tyrion (70 points), Bronn (55 points) and Jaime (50 points) combined for an old-school whirlwind of betrayal, snark and sex that absolutely overpowered Chaos is a StairMaster, with Gilly getting pregnant (15 points) for good measure. Does this mean the end of Chaos is a StairMaster’s repeat championship aspirations? Or can they bounce back in the next two weeks?

Oberyn Martell Memorial Close Game Award

Blowouts are exciting, but we all know the best parts of sports are the games that go right down to the wire. These are the matchups that were buzzer-beaters, close games, and nailbiters right to the end.

• All That Glitters is Cold (20 points) vs. The Onion Knights: Shallot We Begin? (10 points)

In my mid-season recap, I predicted that Tormund Giantsbane would need to carry the death-ravaged All That Glitters is Cold (RIP Night King, RIP Jorah Mormont) in the back half. And in week 4, that’s what he did! The Onion Knights, behind a tough defense and a solid insult from Ser Davos (10 points), were hunting for an upset win. However, Tormund stepped up and insulted Jon Snow (10 points), while also drinking (10 points)! Big win, and it kept All That Glitters is Cold in the #2 spot — let’s see if he can keep the scoring going.

Jaqen H’ghar Memorial DNP — Coach’s Decision Award

With so many characters, sometimes your whole team will be just left in Braavos for the entire episode. Better luck next week!

1. The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team
   Tough episode for The Leeches, as their top 3 players — Beric Dondarrion*, Melisandre* and Lyanna Mormont* — are all dead. So far, new addition Fergus hasn’t appeared onscreen either. Seeing this weakness, Jorah the Explorer pounced, behind Sansa (45 points), Cersei (10 points) and Sam Tarly (15 points), scoring the upset win over the league leaders.
2. Watch the Iron Throne
   The dragon team remains sadly depleted, thanks to the departure of Viserion* and Ed Tollett*. Drogon had the best chance to cause some damage, but Daenerys pulled him away from the ships before he could incinerate them. The big lizard should get his chance to set them on fire next week. That won’t help them this week, though, as A cold boi haz no name chalked up a win and took first place behind The Mountain killing Missandei* (25 points) and Arya’s continuous rampage through Westeros (20 points)

End of Blog Post

They only have two episodes left to finish this series! How can they possibly do that? I have no idea, but I can’t wait to find out! Stay tuned for whatever chaos and random character deaths will occur next week!

Our word is as good as gold,
Jefferson