Game of Game of Thrones Week 3

What Do We Say To Death?

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!AAAAAAHHAHAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*inhales deeply*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

What an episode, what a night. What a time to be alive. After I woke up from my euphoria and joy driven blackout, I realized I still had some fantasy things to write about. So let’s see what happened after one of the most deranged episodes of this show!
(season preview, week 1 recap, week 2 recap)

*=deceased

Littlefinger Memorial Leaderboard

Chaos is a ladder — let’s see who has managed to climb the highest so far. Will they be able to hold on, or will they plummet to their doom?

1. The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team (Rob), (2–1–0), 435 points
2. A cold boi haz no name (Jamie), (2–1–0), 430 points
3. All That Glitters is Cold (Claire), (2–1–0), 335 points

After a brief absence last week The Leeches have returned to claim the top spot! The strangest team in Westeros has clawed back to the top spot in our rankings, taking the tiebreaker thanks to their absurd point total. Keeping pace at the top is A cold boi haz no name, holding on tight to the #2 spot and trailing the leaders by only 5 points. An upset loss sent Toast for the Toast God falling out of the top 3, where they are replaced by All That Glitters is Cold, riding a two-game winning streak to #3.

Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player

Some play the game of thrones, some master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.

1. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 225 points (Violence 190, Wits 15, Status 20)
   OH MY GOD. Arya took the MVP award last week in an episode where she never even drew her weapon. But here we saw what’s really possible when the monster is unleashed, and all of Westeros will never be the same after what she did. The Nightslayer racked up the body count this episode, murdering a bunch of wights (50 points), killing six White Walkers (90 points), snuffing Viserion (25 points) and murking The Night King (25 points). The New Kingslayer isn’t just a violence machine though — she also threw in a few solid quips (15 points) and won official MVP of the episode (20 points). What a dominating performance — take a bow, son. Every other team in the league should officially be on notice now.
2. Melisandre* [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], 180 points (Violence 100, Wits 10, Status/Magic 70)
   Did you forget the Red Woman was in this show? I did, so don’t feel bad if you did. But man, what a way to make a re-entrance! The Chosen Priestess of the Lord of Light showed up just in time to light a bunch of wights on fire (50 points) and set the Dothraki swords on fire (50 points). She also foresaw her own death (20 points). For good measure, she also got to say some more weird stuff to Davos and freak him out (10 points). And then, before Davos could think of anything to say, she ensured she got the last word by walking into her own death (50 points). That’s good, classic throwbacks Thrones right there, and it’s good for #2 this week.

Season MVP:

• Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 300 points
• Beric Dondarrion* [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], 210 points
• Melisandre* [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], 180 points

Lyanna Mormont Memorable Exit Award

You never want to leave the Game of Thrones — but if you have to leave, might as well go out with a bang. These are the dearly missed characters who made their exit in memorable fashion.

1. Beric Dondarrion* [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], 125 points
   The strangest self-help guru in Westeros will be joining his best friend Thoros in whatever weird fiery afterlife the Lord of Light has conjured after succumbing to a swarm of wights (25 points). But before that, he gave as good as he got, taking down a wave of the dead (50 points) and setting his sword on fire (50 points). Plus, he saved Arya, setting her on the path to save all of mankind. After seven deaths, you figure my man is probably good with laying down and not getting up again. Well-deserved rest for maybe the most under-appreciated character in Westeros.
2. The Night King* [All That Glitters Is Cold], 120 points
   Ah, Night King, we hardly knew you. The most intimidating and silent villain in Game of Thrones history made his exit with six inches of Valyrian steel in his heart (25 points). But before that happened, he killed Theon (25 points), rode a dragon (20 points), and rose an entire wave of dead against Jon Snow (50 points) in one of the biggest villain dick moves I’ve seen in a long time. Alas, The Night King died as he lived — relentlessly owning Bran Stark, Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen. Gotta keep an eye on your six, big guy. Better luck next time.
3. Jorah Mormont* [All That Glitters Is Cold], Theon Greyjoy* [A cold boi haz no name], Viserion* [Watch The Iron Throne], 75 points
   Shoutout to the boys who were in the center of the battle and killed a ton of random redshirts (50 points), while also eating it themselves (25 points). Jorah and Theon were on the side of the living, and Viserion was on the side of the wights, but at the end of the day, Death comes for us all.

Thoros of Myr Memorial Drunkest Player

What would Westeros be without vats of ale and barrels of wine? These characters remind us all that we don’t have to be the bravest people in the world — just the drunkest.

• Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 10 points
  I’m just real proud of Tyrion’s focus here. Most people would be concerned about their imminent demise and wouldn’t be drinking during the middle of a pitched battle. But Tyrion’s got elite-level concentration — you love to see that discipline at this stage of the season.

Robb Stark Memorial Good Job, Good Effort Award

Sometimes in the Game of Thrones, you try your best, but it just doesn’t work out. Your opponent is just a little faster, a little better, just has a bit of an edge. Your reward is nothing, because Game of Thrones does not reward second place.

1. Toast for The Toast God [145 points]
   With a four-game win streak, and a huge output from Team Captain Daenerys (80 points) and Rhaegal (50 points), a win must have seemed in the bag for Toast for The Toast God. Getting points from bench players Varys (5 points) and Missandei (10 points) should have just sealed the victory. Then Toast for The Toast God ran into Arya Stark. The Faceless Girl ran up a performance for the ages (225 points), supplemented by Theon Greyjoy’s* exit performance (75 points). Toast for The Toast God has to take a tough loss, but that’s what happens when you fuck with The Girl Who Has No Name.
2. Mr. Viserion [120 points]
   It was a similar story for Mr. Viserion, who had not just The Hound’s fighting against the wights (50 points), but also Jon Snow’s fighting and dragon riding (70 points). But unlike Toast for The Toast God, Mr. Viserion didn’t run into one monster — they ran into THREE. The Leeches put up an absurd 340 points behind Melisandre’s* (180 points), Beric Dondarrion’s* (125 points) and Lyanna Mormont’s* (35 points) spectacular deaths. Those three may have left the Game of Thrones, but they took Mr. Viserion down with them as they exited stage right. Damn.
3. Jorah The Explorer [55 points]
   Solid output from the most unexpected of sources, as Jorah the Explorer was powered by a bunch of kills by Samwell Tarly (!?!?!?!) (50 points) with some wit points from Sansa in addition (5 points). However, that effort went completely unrewarded as the team was crushed by All That Glitters is Cold — The Night King* (120 points), Jorah Mormont* (75 points) and Tormund Giantsbane (50 points) poured on the points in an absolute beatdown. Looks like Jorah The Explorer’s decision to rest Cersei and Qyburn was the right one — let’s see if that pays dividends next week.

Oberyn Martell Memorial Close Game Award

Blowouts are exciting, but we all know the best parts of sports are the games that go right down to the wire. These are the matchups that were buzzer-beaters, close games, and nailbiters right to the end.

• Chaos is a StairMaster [170 points] vs Watch The Iron Throne [160 points]
  Holy shit. Last week Chaos is a StairMaster was the winner of what I dubbed the “game of the season.” But, immediately, Chaos is a StairMaster turned around and got into an even higher-scoring close game this week! The defending champions were facing Watch The Iron Throne, a hungry, talented team looking for their first win. And Watch The Iron Throne threw EVERYTHING at them — Viserion (75 points), Drogon (50 points) and even Ed Tollett* (35 points). Chaos is a StairMaster couldn’t match them on the violence front, as they only had Brienne (50 points), Gendry (50 points) and Podrick Payne (20 points). The difference maker ended up being Bran Stark, who warged into some ravens (50 points) for the second razor-thin victory in a row for Chaos is a StairMaster
• Cleganebowl Confirmed [65 points] vs The Onion Knights: Shallot We Begin? [50 points]
  It was a similar story, but in a much closer and more defensive game, when Cleganebowl faced off against The Onion Knights. Cleganebowl had Jaime Lannister killing a bunch of wights (50 points), but he was fought to a standstill by Greyworm and the Unsullied’s own impressive body count (50 points). In the end, the margin was provided by one of the few characters not to fight in this episode, as Tyrion made some solid quips and drank in the crypts (15 points). Cleganebowl is lucky to escape with a W — but hey, a W’s a W, right?

End of Blog Post

That’s it, the end of this blog post is here! I honestly have no idea what happens in this show for the next few weeks, so tune in next week to see what happened and who’s on track to winning Game of Game of Thrones!

Our Blades Are Sharp,
Jefferson