Game of Game of Thrones Week 1

GAME OF THRONES BACK!

That’s right, Game of Game of Thrones is back! The dragons are back! The Starks are back! The Lannisters are most definitely back! More of a table setting episode this week, but there still was plenty of action up and down the board. So, on to the standings!

Littlefinger Memorial Leaderboard

Chaos is a ladder — let’s see who has managed to climb the highest so far. Will they be able to hold on, or will they plummet to their doom?

1. The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team (Rob), (1–0–0), 75 points
2. Jorah the Explorer (Sam), (1–0–0), 65 points
3. Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall (Jason), (1–0–0), 60 points
4. Toast for the Toast God (Sarah I), (1–0–0), 20 points
5. A cold boi haz no name (Jamie), (1–0–0), 20 points

Crowded field at the top, as expected after only one week in. Currently the weirdest team in the league is leading the league in point differential, but there’s still quite a pack behind them. Let’s see if someone emerges from the pack in the next couple weeks.

Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player

Some people play the game of thrones, some people master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.

• Beric Dondarrion [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], 75 points (Violence 25, Status/Magic 50)

A real darkhorse candidate takes the first MVP award of the season! #20 draft pick weird fire boy Beric Dondarrion came out of nowhere to win the season opener by a landslide. Simply setting his sword on fire (50 points) would have been more than enough to win the award. But, not content with that, he also mercy killed poor Ned Umber (25 points) to solidify an excellent episode. Can he keep this performance up? Or will he regress to the mean when he faces playoff defenses?

Behind his overwhelming performance, The Leeches won an easy victory over All that Glitters is Cold, despite some solid jokes from Tormund Giantsbane (5 points).

Margaery Tyrell Memorial Sexiest Player

Game of Thrones is a show about politics and dragons, sure. But it’s also the centerpiece of the most gratuitous nudity HBO can bring us. These characters went above and beyond bringing sexy back to Westeros.

1. Euron Greyjoy [Mr. Viserion, Bring Down This Wall], 20 points
   I’ve missed Sex Pirate Euron Greyjoy, I really, really have. And guess what — he’s backkkk!!! The most regrettable hookup you’ve ever had brought it in the premiere, hitting on Cersei (5 points) and sleeping with the Queen (15 points). The Sex Pirate will have to hook up with someone every episode to hold onto this award — and if he has his way, he definitely will.
2. Cersei Lannister [Jorah the Explorer] and Bronn [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 15 points
   Clearly all of the sex is happening in King’s Landing, because Bronn and Cersei finished right behind Euron in a tie for the #2 spot. Bronn made his big debut by getting partially naked (5 points) and having sex with a random prostitute (10 points). Cersei, meanwhile, did what she does best, hooking up with another emotionally damaged and dangerous man (15 points). I’m sure none of this will go poorly!

Brotherhood without Banners Memorial Teamwork Award

There’s a lot of betrayal in Game of Thrones, but sometimes people actually work together! This award celebrates the rare times we see genuine collaboration within a team — enjoy it until they all get murdered by The Mountain.

• Jorah the Explorer [Sam], Cersei 35, Sansa 20, Qyburn 10
  This was really just a total team effort from start to finish. Cersei was the headliner, with her sex (20 points), wits (5 points) and wine drinking (10 points). But right behind her was Sansa, providing a solid boost as the official MVP of the episode (20 points). Even Qyburn got in on the action by being a dick to Bronn (10 points). The only one who didn’t score points was Sam Tarly, and I’ll give him a pass since he’s working so hard to advance the plot. Just good, solid fundamental Game of Thrones.

Robb Stark Memorial Good Job, Good Effort Award

Sometimes in the Game of Thrones, you try your best, but it just doesn’t work out. Your opponent is just a little faster, a little better, just has a bit of an edge. Your reward is nothing, because Game of Thrones does not reward second place.

• Cleganebowl Confirmed [Jefferson], 30 points

In a low-scoring first round, 30 points would have been enough to guarantee a win over 2/3 of the league. So at first, Cleganebowl was feeling pretty comfortable in their matchup with Mr. Viserion. Between Bronn’s sex (15 points) and his drinking (10 points), as well as a solid burn from Tyrion (5 points), Cleganebowl had a solid cushion.

That would have been enough to overcome Jon Snow’s wits (5 points) and dragon riding (20 points). But then Sex Pirate Euron Greyjoy came rampaging in with his sex (20 points), drinking (10 points) and wits (5 points), powering Mr. Viserion to a 30 point victory. Sucks to suck, Cleganebowl — sometimes you just have to take the L and move on. Goddamnit.

Oberyn Martell Memorial Close Game Award

Blowouts are exciting, but we all know the best parts of sports are the games that go right down to the wire. These are the matchups that were buzzer-beaters, close games, and nailbiters right to the end.

• Toast for the Toast God 20 points vs Chaos is a StairMaster 0 points
  The opening matchup between the 2017 champions Chaos is a StairMaster and rising second-half team Toast for the Toast God was a cagey, defense-first affair. Finally, Daenerys broke through with a solid piece of dragon riding (20 points) to scratch out a hard-earned victory over the reigning champs.
• A cold boi haz no name 20 points vs The Onion Knights: Shallot We Begin? 0 points
  Another close fought match was swung by that most unlikely of heroes — Theon Greyjoy. The #15 pick in the draft came up big in a low-scoring round, killing two of Euron’s men (20 points) in his rescue of Yara Greyjoy. Not only did Theon save his sister from a horrible fate, he also saved a win for his team — truly a big-time performance.

Jaqen H’ghar Memorial DNP — Coach’s Decision Award

With so many characters, sometimes your whole team will be just left in Braavos for the entire episode. Better luck next week!

• The Onion Kings: Shallot We Begin? [Sarah C]
  10 points to Gryffindor for an excellent name pun! Unfortunately, no points for the team so far, as Davos’ wit continues to be unappreciated by the cruel gods of scoring. Yara Greyjoy is saved and appears to be heading towards Queen of the Iron Islands, so hopefully that will provide a scoring boost for the Onion Knights heading into Week 2.
• Watch the Iron Throne [Erin]
  Team Dragon had a lot of potential, as Drogon definitely thought about eating Jon, but alas the big lizard thought better of it. Ed Tollett’s dramatic reappearance on the show is also great news for Watch the Iron Throne’s bench — let’s see if he does anything interesting in the Battle of Winterfell, or if he just is immediately killed.
• Chaos is a StairMaster [Tom]
  While Bran creeped out a lot of characters, it appears you don’t get any points for being extremely weird, which is unfortunate. Let’s see next week if Bran does any more solid magic, or if he’s going to spend all of this season on shrooms and talking to trees.

End of Blog Post

That’s the end of our week 1 recap! Stay tuned for next week’s episode, which appears to feature a trial for Jaime, prep for the Battle of Winterfell and a ton of absolute chaos!

Valar Morghulis,
Jefferson