Game of Game of Thrones Season Recap
Well, it has been a hell of a ride this season of Game of Thrones, and it’s been even more fun to play Game of Thrones fantasy the whole way. This remains one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, and is probably the best way to enjoy a show that is equal parts murder/dragons/nudity/insanity on every given week.
If you’d like to read my mid-season recap, that’s here. As a reminder, the way this game works is each player drafts a team of four characters, and each episode you match up head to head. Characters get points for killing, dying memorably, drinking, doing magic, gaining political power and having sex because Game of Thrones is the best show ever and if they don’t win all the Emmys this year WE RIOT.
Again, The Verge does all the scoring, so I have no control of any of that. If you don’t like the scores, don’t @me.
*= deceased
Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player
There’s winning, and then there’s WINNING — these are the characters who crushed all the competition this season. Enjoy their dominance before they get murked by some random idiot.
- The Night King [The Barry White Walkers {Claire}] — 310 points (Violence 200, Status 110)
Yo what the hell. Not only did the Night King demolish all the competition, he did so in only TWO episodes. After standing around doing nothing for five whole weeks, the Night King went absolutely nuts, killing a dragon, raising it from the dead, bringing down the wall and sacking Eastwatch. The gap between #1 in the scoring and #2 is equivalent to the gap between #2 and #7, a testament to the insane violence the Night King reaped on Viserion (RIP), the Wall (RIP) and pretty much anything that looked at him the wrong way. He’s done more than enough to win the MVP trophy for the Cold Bois, and it’s a well-deserved piece of hardware for the one who’s probably going to take over all of Westeros. #NightKing2020
2. Jaime Lannister [Gray Scales Are Gonna Clear Up {Tom}] — 265 points (Violence 75, Sex 40, Wits 20, Status 125, Food 5)
If the Night King is the Russell Westbrook of GoT Fantasy — taking the ball every play and scoring at will — Jaime Lannister is LeBron James, a player more focused on all-around excellence. Jaime racked up the points in everything from killing, to sex, to wits and food in a dominant performance, and unlike the Night King Jaime scored points in almost every episode. In fact, some would argue that Jaime is the true MVP of this season, given his team’s championship performance. This is nonsense — advanced stats clearly give the Night King the edge. Second place is nothing to be ashamed about though! Jaime ran up the score through killing, sleeping with his sister, drinking wine and snarking at everybody — a powerhouse performance for one of the Last Lions.
Khal Drogo Memorial Most Violent Player
Chopping off hands, slashing faces, disemboweling, beheadings — it’s all in a day’s work for these characters. Let’s appreciate the players who make us very glad that we don’t live in Westeros.
- The Night King [The Barry White Walkers {Claire}] — Violence 200
I mean, I don’t know what you were expecting. Your boy KILLED A DRAGON. That alone is enough to rack up 150 points, which would be enough to win this category. Not content with that, the Night King decided to rub it in by murdering a bunch of randos in the season finale, extending his lead by a ridiculous amount. When it comes to violence, no one can beat the Night King.
2. Jon Snow [Call Me Stannis {Jamie}] — Violence 140
After a somewhat slow start on the violence front, Jon really hit his stride in episode 6. Once he was in his element beyond the wall, Jon turned into a monster — he killed his second White Walker, wiped out an entire party of wights and then fought off a ton of the walking dead at the frozen lake. Add in him finishing off the captive wight (RIP Steve) and threatening to off Littlefinger, and you have a powerhouse performance from The King in the North.
3. Euron Greyjoy [Killer Queen(s) {Erin}] — Violence 115
First half MVP Sex Pirate Euron Greyjoy was sadly absent for most of the second half of the season, and while he was onscreen he didn’t murder anything. However, Euron’s ridiculous score from the ship battle in episode 2 is good enough for third place — well deserved for the feat of killing the Sand Snakes, killing a bunch of redshirts and capturing Yara.
Shae Memorial Sexiest Player Award
“I watch Game of Thrones mainly for the intricate storytelling!” — said no one ever. Let’s be real, we’re all here for HBO-approved nudity; these are the players who went above and beyond bringing sexy back to Westeros.
- Cersei Lannister [What is Dead May Never Die {Jefferson}] — Sex 50
BOW DOWN TO THE MAD QUEEN! Cersei Lannister’s first-half score is enough to secure her the sexiest player award — Cersei takes this award by a hair for screwing her brother and going full frontal nudity. The dead may be walking and the kingdom crumbling around her, but Cersei’s going to do what she does best.
2. The Field — Sex 40
Four players had the chance to knock off Cersei — Daenerys, Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister and Missandei — but none could quite match her. Either they didn’t go full frontal (Daenerys, Jon Snow, Jaime) or they didn’t commit incest (Missandei). That’s weak sauce, guys — when you’re up against Cersei it's go big or go home.
Pyatt Pree Memorial Most Powerful/Magical Character
Game of Thrones is a show about intricate political maneuvers and careful alliances, but it’s also about people coming back from the dead and seeing the future. These are the characters who displayed the most power through politics and/or magic.
- Beric Dondarrion [You Know Nothing Julie Solomon {Julie}] — Status 200
Beric racked up the magic points, not for coming back from the dead, as might have been expected, but from wielding a flaming sword. The leader of the Brotherhood without Banners had the most prolific display of magic in a single episode, setting his sword on fire four times in week 6. I call shenanigans, how many spell slots does this guy even have? Anyways, that overpowered display secured this award for Beric.
2. Bran Stark [Toast for the Toast God {Sarah Ingraham}] — Status 190
The Three-Eyed Raven spent most of this season acting like your typical male teenager concert attendee — tripping out of his mind, making annoying philosophical statements and creeping everyone out. When he was lucid, though, Bran was one of the most powerful magic users in Westeros, which helps explain why his sisters keep him around. Bran saw the future, explored the past and warged into a bunch of ravens. Bran also picked up some status points the old fashioned way, briefly acquiring a Valyrian steel dagger. Solid performance for the last living male Stark.
3. Jaime Lannister [Gray Scales are Gonna Clear Up {Tom}] — Status 125
Jaime’s the only non-magic user to crack our top 3, and without the ability to cast spells, the Lannister had to work hard to make up ground. Jaime was more than up to the challenge — he acquired a Valyrian steel sword, sacked Highgarden and secured the future of the Lannister line by impregnating his sister. Good old-school Game of Thrones stuff, and it was good enough for third place.
Olenna Tyrell Memorial Wittiest Player Award
Sure, getting incinerated by a dragon is very painful — but getting roasted in front of all of HBO might be even worse. These are the characters who brought the zingers this season.
- Sansa Stark [Darth Tarth and the Queens of Ice and Darkness {Izzy}] — Wits 75
Cersei is the Mad Queen, and Daenerys is the Dragon Queen, but this season Sansa Stark more than held her own as Our Lady of Snark. Yes, she acted like an idiot for half the season, which is regrettable, but she also laid sick burns on Jon Snow, Petyr Baelish, Arya and anyone else who made eye contact with her. Solid output for the Lady of Winterfell.
2. Arya Stark [Know-Nothing Party {Jason}] — Wits 65
It’s super cold in Winterfell, which is good, because the burns were flying fast and furious all season! Arya was just a hair behind her sister this season, laying down some sick one liners on Sansa, Littlefinger, Walder Frey and everyone else. Bonus points in my heart because most of those one-liners came right as she was about to kill someone. Do NOT mess with Arya.
3. Jon Snow [Call Me Stannis {Jamie}] — Wits 55
Seriously? Who’s doing scoring for this? (#DavosWasRobbed) *sigh*. Anyways, the King in the Sulk had a solid wit output this season, which gets him the bronze medal behind his two cousins. Jon spent most of the season brooding, but when he wasn’t moping around he got in some good insults on Littlefinger, Sansa, Davos and Daenerys. Good enough for third place, and the Stark siblings are cementing their status as the snarkiest family — House Lannister has to step up their game.
Walder Frey Memorial Food and Drink Award
Game of Thrones — keeping fictional vineyards in business since Season 1. These are the characters who drank/ate the most this season.
- Cersei Lannister [What is Dead May Never Die {Jefferson}] — Food/Drink 20
Yeah, no one was ever going to take this away from Cersei.
2. Tyrion Lannister [Gray Scales are Gonna Clear Up {Tom}] — Food/Drink 15
Solid effort from Tyrion though! The dwarf of Casterly Rock spent a lot of time drinking, but not enough to beat out his older sister.
Robert Baratheon Memorial Leaderboard
And now finally — the standings! In the Game of Game of Thrones, you either win or we make fun of you mercilessly. Let’s see whose on top of the ladder at the end of all the chaos. All picks are in draft order.
1.Gray Scales Are Gonna Clear Up (Tom) — (6–1–0), 360 points
- First-half record: (2–1–0)
- Jaime Lannister (265 points)
- Tyrion Lannister (30 points)
- Alys Karstark (0 points), midseason acquisition to replace Ellaria Sand (15 points)
- Qhono (0 points), midseason acquisition to replace Randyll Tarly* (50 points); midseason acquisition to replace Marei (0 points); midseason acquisition to replace Kinvara (0 points)
THE KING IN THE NORTH! All bow down to Tom of House Murphy, the first of his name, Lord of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.
This team was the Jaime Lannister show from start to finish — the Kingslayer carried his team to victory in episode after episode, with their only loss coming from week 2’s Greyjoy Extravaganza at the hands of Killer Queen(s). Otherwise, Jaime carried his team to victory, putting his team on his back like LeBron James. And just like LeBron, his supporting cast was mostly butt — he got very little from Tyrion and Ellaria Sand, and nothing from Alys Karstark or Qhono. The only one who really contributed was Randyll Tarly, who had the decency to get himself lit on fire. In the end, though, it didn’t matter — bow down to the Kingslayer.
Team MVP: Jaime Lannister
2.What is Dead May Never Die (Jefferson) — (5–1–1), 380 points
- First-half record: (3–0–0)
- Cersei Lannister (150 points)
- Grey Worm (140 points)
- Bronn (90 points)
- Robin Arryn (0 points)
What a stunning collapse. After leading the league through week 5, What is Dead May Never Die entered week 6 with a spotless 5–0–0 record and a great point differential, just needing a strong finish. The team proceeded to absolutely choke, getting stomped on by Call Me Stannis in week 6 and only mustering a tie to Darth Tarth in week 7 to lose the crown to Gray Scales.
Don’t let that overshadow the rest of the season, though. Cersei Lannister put up a powerhouse performance of wit, power and sex, and Grey Worm was one of the best 2nd round picks — he almost equaled her with his breakout performance. Bronn was a solid third option off the bench, contributing some excellent kills and wit. This team was the 2015 Warriors — three stars dominating and sharing the ball equally, and rolling over all their opponents. Just like the Warriors, though, What is Dead May Never Die then proceeded to blow a two game lead. Goddamnit.
Team MVP: Cersei Lannister
3.Know-Nothing Party (Jason) — (4–3–0), 540 points
- First-half record: (1–2–0)
- Arya Stark (250 points)
- The Hound (125 points)
- Thoros of Myr (115 points)
- Hot Pie (0 points), midseason acquisition to replace Petyr Baelish* (50 points)
Know-Nothing Party was probably the scariest matchup to draw this whole season, because this team could pour on points like the Houston Rockets. Heading the #1 scoring team was Arya Stark. The littlest Stark put up an MVP-caliber performance, scoring buckets of points in wits, magic and violence. Backing her up were the Hound and Thoros of Myr, who were also throwing down deep 3s without mercy with their kills and wit. Even Petyr Baelish got in on the action, putting up a solid 50 points by getting his throat cut and finally dying. The only person who didn’t put up solid numbers was Hot Pie, and we’ll give him a break because he just got here.
Unfortunately, just like the Rockets, a lack of consistency doomed Know-Nothing Party. This team could turn it on at any point, but sometimes they were just off — only 5 points combined in weeks 2 and 3 — and a slow start made it hard for them to catch up to the leaders. Throw in a close loss to What is Dead May Never Die, and that kept Know-Nothing Party out of the championship. Still a fantastic team — we’ll see if they can get over the hump next year.
Team MVP: Arya Stark
4. Call Me Stannis (Jamie) — (4–3–0) 350 points
- First-half record: (1–2–0)
- Jon Snow (235 points)
- Tormund Giantsbane (95 points)
- Melisandre (0 points)
- Harrag (20 points)
This is a team that struggled coming out of the gate in the first-half — through four weeks the team was 1–3–0, due partly to tough matchups against Gray Scales (including a hotly disputed Valyrian Steel acquisition) and Know-Nothing Party. Then, this team pulled it together, ripping off three straight wins to end the season on a high note, including a 175 point beatdown of What is Dead May Never Die in week 6.
The biggest reason for their turnaround? Jon Snow. The #1 overall draft pick really stepped into his own this season — next to Jaime Lannister, he was probably the most consistent player in scoring points episode to episode, and his overall point total was insane. The King in the North lived up to his number one draft ranking, scoring a bucketload of points through violence, political power, wits and having sex with his aunt. #GameOfThrones. Fan favorite “Cool Gimli” Tormund Giantsbane also did his part, providing a solid option off the bench. Together, the two of them were enough to compensate for a lighter bench, as Melisandre and Harrag didn’t do much.
Team MVP: Jon Snow
5. The Onion Knights (Sarah Collogne) — (4–3–0), 220 points
- First-half record: (1–2–0)
- Davos Seaworth (40 points)
- Yohn Royce (10 points) midseason acquisition, replaces Dickon Tarly* (60 points); midseason acquisition, replaces Olenna Tyrell* (75 points)
- Meera Reed (10 points)
- Nymeria [wolf] (25 points)
Man, this team was fun to watch. Overall, large segments of this team underperformed, or were at a replacement level — Davos had a fair share of witty comebacks, Meera Reed threw in a couple of jokes, Nymeria got a higher number of points than anyone expected a wolf to get. Which, you know, was fine but unspectacular.
But, the MVPs by far for The Onion Knights were the kamikaze second-round picks, who just kept dying and scoring points each time! First Olenna Tyrell was poisoned by Jaime Lannister, picking up a cool 50 points. Then Dickon Tarly arrived on the team, and was barely there before he was incinerated for another 50 points. Bold strategy! And it was good enough for fifth place. Yohn Royce is DOOMED next season.
Team MVP: Olenna Tyrell*
6. You Know Nothing Julie Solomon (Julie) — (3–3–1), 430 points
- First-half record: (2–0–1)
- Missandei (45 points)
- Beric Dondarrion (250 points)
- Theon Greyjoy (110 points)
- Tycho Nestoris (0 points) midseason acquisition, replaces Alys Karstark (25 points)
This team was the Cinderella story of the first half, jumping out to a surprising undefeated record behind the play of Missandei, Theon Greyjoy and Alys Karstark. However, in the second half the team wasn’t able to sustain that momentum — Theon Greyjoy matched his first-half output, but Missandei and Tycho Nestoris were not able to keep up their earlier performance.
That doesn’t mean the second half was without its highlights, though! In episode 6, Beric Dondarrion singlehandedly demonstrated why he deserved a second-round pick, scoring an insane 250 points in the episode to demolish the competition. It was a good way to end the season, for You Know Nothing Julie Solomon.
Team MVP: Beric Dondarrion
7. Darth Tarth And The Queen of Ice And Darkness (Izzy) — (3–3–1), 165 points
- First-half record: (3–0–0)
- Sansa Stark (100 points)
- Brienne of Tarth (10 points)
- Podrick Payne (0 points)
- Obara Sand* (55 points)
Darth Tarth is another team that wasn’t able to sustain a strong first half. This team built a 3–0–0 lead on the back of Sansa Stark’s strong performance — and then her supporting cast refused to give her any help at all. At least Obara Sand had the decency to take a spear to the gut for the team and earn some points — highly touted draft picks Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne basically did nothing.
Darth Tarth did play an important role in the championship race though — in the final week of the season, Darth Tarth was playing What is Dead May Never Die, in a game that What is Dead May Never Die needed to win. In a close game, Darth Tarth regained their championship backbone and Brienne of Tarth scored her first points of the entire season, forcing a tie and knocking What is Dead May Never Die out of first place. We’ll see if the team brings that same edge and fire to next season.
Team MVP: Sansa Stark
8. Toast for the Toast God (Sarah Ingraham) — (3–4–0), 435 points
- First-half record: (0–3–0)
- Daenerys Targaryen (215 points)
- Bran Stark (210 points)
- Samwell Tarly (10 points)
- Maester Ebrose (0 points), midseason acquisition, replaces Edmure Tully (0 points)
This team bounced back from a dismal first half in a MAJOR way. After a terrible first three weeks, Toast for the Toast God went on an absolute tear, winning three of their next four games, with their only loss a close 10 point defeat to eventual champion Gray Scales.
This team was pretty top heavy, but when your top is so good, why worry about the rest? The 1–2 punch of Daenerys Targaryen and Bran Stark was incredibly powerful and hard to defeat, pairing her violence, sex and political power with his ridiculous magic output. Further down in the roster, Sam Tarly finally clawed his way back from negative points, which is good for him but unfortunate because his failure was very funny.
Team MVP: Daenerys Targaryen
9. Jason Shain (Rob {I hate you Rob}) — (3–4–0), 55 points
- First-half record: (2–1–0)
- Varys (20 points)
- Lyanna (10 points)
- Qyburn (25 points)
- Gilly (0 points)
I mean what the hell. This team only scored 55 points TOTAL. Every single other team has one character who scored more than 55 points. 75% of the teams have TWO characters who each scored more than 55 points. And yet, despite being horribly outscored up and down the board, this team somehow managed to secure three wins. How is that even possible?
Well, Jason Shain picked their spots really well, and were incredibly targeted. As soon as other teams let down their guard they pounced, letting loose with savage owns from Lyanna and Varys, or slipping a few drops of Qyburn’s poison into their drinks. Every single win this team had came against a team that scored zero points. It may not be honorable — but hey, a W’s a W, right?
Team MVP: Varys
10. Killer Queen(s) [Erin] — (2–4–1), 220 points
- First-half record: (2–1–0)
- Euron Greyjoy (160 points)
- Yara Greyjoy (60 points)
- Jaqen H’ghar (0 points)
- Ed Tollett (0 points)
This team shows both the benefits and perils of relying heavily on your top two picks. When Killer Queen(s) was on, during the first half of the season, this team was terrifying to match up against. Euron Greyjoy was the runaway first-half MVP, and Yara Greyjoy was a solid second option off the bench — very few teams felt comfortable going up against two Greyjoys on top of their game.
However, as the season went on, fatigue or injuries limited the availability of the Greyjoys, and neither scored a point for the second half of the season. That exposed the weaknesses of this team’s bench, as neither Jaqen H’ghar or Ed Tollett showed up to play, and as a result this team struggled down the stretch.
Team MVP: Euron Greyjoy
11. Barry White Walkers (Claire) — (1–5–1), 410 points
- First-half record: (0–3–0)
- The Night King (310 points)
- Benjen Stark* (100 points)
- Ghost {wolf} (0 points)
- Koner (o points) midseason acquisition, replaces Daario Naharis (0 points)
COLD BOIIIIIS!!!! After laying in wait for the first five weeks of the season, The Barry White Walkers had an absolutely insane last two episodes, going from literally zero points to the #4 highest-scoring team in just two weeks. The Cold Bois were unfortunate not to pick up more than one win — it took the full efforts of Daenerys, Bran and Sam Tarly to hold back the Barry White Walkers and get a win for Toast for the Toast God in their week 7 matchup.
There’s not much to say about The Night King that wasn’t covered earlier, but wow what an insane performance. The Night King’s violence level was insane, supplemented with some solid magic and political power as well. Don’t forget Benjen Stark either, who wreaked some serious violence of his own before getting torn apart by wights. It might sound weird to say this about a team that finished second-to-last, but if The Barry White Walkers can keep up this level of performance heading into next season, they might be a good sleeper pick for next year.
Team MVP: The Night King
12. Hodorable (aka the Full Monty) (Sam) — (1–5–1), 150 points
- First-half record: (0–2–1)
- The Mountain (0 points)
- Jorah Mormont (90 points)
- Gendry (30 points)
- Tyene Sand* (probably deceased) (30 points)
The Mountain wins the Ser Pounce Memorial DNP Coaches’ Decision Award for doing NOTHING for the ENTIRE SEASON, the only first-round pick to do so! That is so annoying, particularly because he had lots of screen time! He could have killed Jaime! He could have killed Euron! He could have killed some random redshirts! But nooooooooo. Ugh.
This is particularly frustrating because the rest of this team is good! Jorah Mormont provided some excellent output from the number two spot, and Gendry and Tyene Sand fleshed out a surprisingly deep bench. If this team had a slightly more competent first-round pick, they could have been a real contender. Better luck next year! We’ll see if Hodorable is able to complement their strong bench going into next season.
Team MVP: Jorah Mormont
End of blog! This has been way too much fun, and I appreciate all of you indulging me in this ridiculousness. Until next time!
Family, Duty, Honor,
Jefferson