Game of Game of Thrones Awards
Most Violent Player, Sexiest Player, Drunkest Player and More from the Final Season
Sadly, Game of Thrones is over, and that means Game of Game of Thrones is over as well! Before we dive into who won the Game of Game of Thrones, let’s take a second to celebrate the best players of this past season.
As always, all scoring is done by The Verge, so if you disagree with any of these rankings, don’t @ me.
(season preview, week 1 recap, week 2 recap, week 3 recap, midseason report, week 4 recap, week 5 recap, assorted yelling about the writing of Ramsay Bolton & Euron Greyjoy)
*=deceased
Daenerys Targaryen Memorial Most Valuable Player
Some play the game of thrones, some master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.
- Daenerys Targaryen* [Toast for the Toast God], 480 points (Violence 220, Wits 110, Status 140, Food 10)
Bow down to the Mother of Dragons! The Unburnt, Breaker of Chains, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea and Ruler of Meereen came to shine in her last season. She burned cities, flambeed her enemies, and sent merciless zingers at friend and enemy alike. She is a true five tool player, and had the highest point total of any character in the history of Game of Game of Thrones. Truly an impressive showing, and while she will be deeply missed, she left a mark on Westeros and Fantasy Game of Thrones that will not be soon forgotten. Tip your cap to the one who broke the wheel.
2. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 385 points (Violence 190, Sex 35, Wits 110, Status 40, Food 10)
Arya cooled off a little bit after her insane first half. But still, what an overpowering performance by The Girl Who Has No Name. Arya Nightslayer came ready to play on the violence front, putting the dead to her sword as easily as she did the living, carving up The Night King as easily as she cut through House Frey. But it was the addition of the sex and wit points that really took Arya from star to All-Star. All hail the Pirate Queen of the West!
3. Bran Stark [Chaos is a StairMaster], 360 points (Wits 60, Status 300)
All hail the King of the Six Kingdoms! In a shock victory, Bran the Broken somehow got the throne. This, combined with his magic use, powered the last male Stark into the top three on points. Add just enough wit points to keep the defense honest, and Bran wheely wheely legs no feely was a real dark horse this season, and unexpected force carrying his team to victory.
Sandor Clegane Memorial Most Violent Player
Burning, beheading and butchery are all in a day’s work for these characters. This award celebrates the characters that make us all very glad we don’t live in Westeros.
- Daenerys* [Toast for the Toast God] and Drogon [Watch the Iron Throne], 220 points
Daenerys wasn’t necessarily known for violence before this season, but when the Breaker of Chains comes to play, she comes to win. Daenerys sacked King’s Landing, killed a bunch of wights in Winterfell, brought down a building on Jaime and Cersei and Arya, and died at the hands of her lover/nephew/subject/idiot Jon Snow. She’s tied for this award with her favorite baby Drogon, who also got all the points for the carnage at Kings Landing and Winterfell, and also incinerated Varys to kick off all the bloodshed. Fire and blood!
2. Euron Greyjoy* [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down This Wall], 210 points
Euron Dragonslayer may have had some of the worst writing this season, but when it came to violence, whoooo boy the Sex Pirate brought it! He wounded Jaime Lannister, captured Missandei and died at the hands of the Kingslayer. But most importantly, he 360 no-scoped Rhaegal out of the sky, leading to a major nerf on scorpions for the rest of the season after everyone complained about him fucking up the meta. But love him or hate him, no one can take Euron’s kill:death ratio from him. Hell of a final performance from the Sex Pirate.
3. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 190 points
Arya Nightslayer! The New Kingslayer! The Girl Who Has No Name! Arya scored all her violence points at the Battle of Winterfell, and what an insane week that was. The smallest Stark singlehandedly stopped the Long Night, burying seven inches of Valyrian steel into the Night King’s gut. She also slaughtered a bunch of wights and White Walkers, adding several dead scalps to her extensive collection of living trophies. Even in death, no one is safe from Arya.
Missandei Memorial Sexiest Player
Game of Thrones is a show about politics and dragons, sure. But it’s also the centerpiece of the most gratuitous nudity HBO can bring us. These characters went above and beyond bringing sexy back to Westeros.
- Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name] and Gendry [Chaos is a StairMaster], 35 points
An unusual pair are tied for Sexiest Player, and one that most people didn’t see coming. Arya and Gendry got to fulfill their adolescent crush on each other, hooking up before the Battle of Winterfell. Props to the Girl With No Name and the Lord Paramount of the Stormlands for keeping their eyes on the real prize in Game of Thrones. 10 points to Gryffindor!
2. Jaime Lannister* Cleganebowl Confirmed], 30 points
Props to Jaime for scoring so high on sex without ever hooking up with his sister! I’d say I always believed in him, but it’s awkward to lie so brazenly. Anyways, Jaime fulfilled the dreams of all the Braime shippers by sleeping with Brienne, which was good enough to get him second place in this category. Of course, he then broke all these shippers hearts by randomly breaking up with her and running back to King’s Landing to fail to protect Cersei from falling roof tiles, but hey — you can’t have everything!
Varys Memorial Wittiest Player
If you come at the Master of Whispers, you best not miss — otherwise he’ll level you with a vicious burn. This award honors those who keep Varys’ legacy alive by being absolute savages to friends, foes and anyone who looks at them twice.
- Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 120 points
Season 8 was very bad, for a number of reasons. But one thing that was good is the writer’s finally remembered Tyrion is supposed to be very, very funny. No matter how bad things got, and how much the world was collapsing around his ears — due to Jon Snow’s idiocy, Daenerys’ idiocy, Jaime’s idiocy or Tyrion’s own idiocy — Tyrion always had a wry, funny observation about how screwed they were. A fine return to form for Westeros’ beloved, deranged Imp.
2. Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name] and Daenerys Targaryen* [Toast for the Toast God], 110 points
These two women were two of the deadliest characters in Westeros — but they were also two of the meanest! When Arya wasn’t skewering wights, she was making cutting remarks to Jon Snow. When Daenerys wasn’t burning people alive, she was roasting Jon Snow for being a moron. Truly, no place in the world is safe from these two deadly savages.
Melisandre Memorial Most Magical/High Status Character
Is Game of Thrones a story about political scheming, or about high fantasy magic wizards? It’s both of course! This award celebrates those who were able to get to the top, either by scheming and plotting or summoning a demon shadow baby (or both).
1. Bran Stark [Chaos is a StairMaster], 300 points
I mean, my dude is the most powerful magic user in the world, and he was also crowned King of the Six Kingdoms. Who did you think was going to win this? Anyways, Bran the Broken was a true dual-threat. He warged around the battlefield, dropped weird prophecies left and right, and also won the Iron Throne. Raise your cup to our new, chilled out stoner king!
2. Daenerys Targaryen* [Toast for the Toast God], 140 points
Daenerys didn’t have Bran’s magical abilities, but she had plenty of old-fashioned ambitions and accomplishments. The Last Targaryen gets second place behind lots of dragon riding, the grand alliance she formed in the north, her victory at the Battle of Winterfell and her sack of King’s Landing. Pour one out for the woman who won the throne, but never got to sit on it.
3. Sansa Stark [Jorah the Explorer], 110 points
Sansa may be the daughter of Ned and Catelyn Stark, but she’s also the protégé of Littlefinger, and boy did that show this season. Sansa joined Daenerys’ alliance, then schemed to get Jon Snow installed as the king, while somehow outlasting the Mad Queen’s rage. When the dust settled, Sansa Stark was left ruling an independent North. The Queen in the North!
Cersei Lannister Memorial Drunkest Player
What would Westeros be without vats of ale and barrels of wine? These characters remind us all that we don’t have to be the bravest people in the world — just the drunkest.
- Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 30 points
Yeah no one was ever going to take this away from Tyrion.
End of Blog Post
That wraps up the awards for this season! Stay tuned for the final standings, and the crowning of our ultimate winner! (It’s Bran Stark).
Fire and Blood,
Jefferson