On loss and the Three Lions

England Always Loses. That was my confident prediction at the start of Euro 2020, and I only got more bleakly confident as the tournament went on. First England was going to collapse in the group stage, then they were going to get wrecked by Germany, then they were going to choke against Ukraine, then they were going to run into the Cinderella sledgehammer that is Denmark. For the final? Against the best team of the tournament? No way England beats Italy. It was always going to be Italy because England Always Loses.

But of course, that was a defense mechanism…

R.I.P. to a Good Boy

On March 2, 2021, my sister’s beloved dog Toulouse Day was put down. He passed on from this world peacefully, next to his loving owner. He was part of our family for 2.5 years, and was a joy and a blessing for all of it. He will be extremely missed, and I hope he departed this world knowing how loved he is.

Toulouse the dog

In Praise of the Perfect Quarantine Show

What’s the best show to watch in the End Times? Well, on the one hand it’s natural to look for something that is extremely comforting, a treacly slice of nothing to blot out the apocalypse. Then, of course something like The Christmas Prince movies are perfect! Or, maybe you want something more intense and visceral, to really make you think and occupy your frantically spinning mind? Then perhaps a show like Succession or Watchmen, or early Game of Thrones.

But let me humbly suggest to you that none of these are the perfect quarantine show — Schitt’s Creek is. Like…

A Completely Accurate Ranking #7-#1

I did all of this, all of it, for you. And here we are! We’re at the end of the road, having gone through the MCU movies that are Not Great, to the MCU movies that are Pretty Good. And now here we are, with the movies that are Actually Good! These seven movies are legitimately good films — sure, they have their flaws, but they’re some of the best examples of what a superhero blockbuster can be.

As always, these are my rankings, so they’re totally correct and don’t ask any questions. But to be honest, once you get…

A Completely Accurate Ranking #15-#8

I’ve ranked all of these movies, all for you! In the first part, we looked at some of the weaker entries in the franchise. Now, we’re onto the more fun part. Pretty much every movie here is a solid, fun time that you can enjoy.

As always, these rankings are 100% correct! If you disagree with me, you’re wrong and you can’t get mad at me. To the movies!

15. Ant-Man

A Completely Accurate Ranking #23-#16

As quarantine stretches on interminably with no end in sight, all of us are looking for more entertainment possibilities. So, dear readers — my cousin and I rewatched all of the Marvel movies! Over a month I watched all of these movies, and only became a little bit smooth-brained as a result. And I ranked them all, so now you know which movies are good!

If you’ve seen my Star Wars rankings, you know the deal — these are the completely accurate, 100% correct rankings. …

An Appreciation of Chadwick Boseman

Like everyone else, I was shocked and saddened to hear the news of Chadwick Boseman’s tragic passing. Boseman was one of the most talented actors working in Hollywood, portraying iconic legends James Brown, Jackie Robinson and Thurgood Marshall. Any one of those would have made an impressive career; Boseman decided to go full force and completely own each of those roles.

It’s a testament to how impressive his work is that I’m not going to talk about any of those films! …

Why both the Chiefs and the Niners suck

Congratulations America, you finally did it! For the first time in 356 years, the Patriots will not be in the Super Bowl. Yes, Derrick Henry and the Titans (the fucking Titans?!?!) successfully executed the Patriots, sending them and their loathsome fans (including yours truly!) to the exit. For their valiant deeds the Titans were burnt alive by Pat Mahomes and the Chiefs, because if you think America rewards people who do nice things you’re not paying attention.

An Unbiased and Completely Correct List

In 2020 we may seem like a divided nation. But it turns out, in the darkest depths of winter, there is one thing that unites us — hating Star Wars, Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker!

Pretty much everyone hates this movie, which is amazing! Rotten Tomatoes/Reddit trolls hate it because it’s woke. Critics hate it because it’s bad. The Last Jedi fans (which you should be) hate it because it tries to dramatically course correct from the last movie. People who actually like this movie hate it because everyone keeps yelling about this movie so they can’t even enjoy…

Enjoy the absurdity of the True Spirit of Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We have finally officially hit the big day. And yes it’s dark, yes it’s cold, yes it’s stressful being with your family and stressful being away from your family — all true. But I’m willing to bet that no matter what the holidays look like for you, it’s probably true that somewhere in your heart there’s a bit of warmth for this season. …

Jefferson Viet-Anh Day

Former centrist neoliberal drone, newly woke (((Snowflake Justice Warrior))) as of 11/9/2016. Call your reps.

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